its only 10pm.

*via Facebook*


Dear Sheila Chen, below are your PSYCHOLOGY PERSONALITY test result:

You love the crowd... a party animal! Too many “friends”, you can’t easily tell which among them is real and not...

You hide your emotions... Sometimes pretending to be always happy. Sometimes, not giving even a hint of what you really feel.

You search for love... you’re a hopeless romantic and every time you enter a relationship, you give your all and believe “this is the One.”

You appreciate simple things in life... You hate complicating things that’s why you’re typically up-front in any aspect.

You’re a stubborn sweetheart... You “love” him/her only because he/she loves you. If his/her flame puts out, you let go with no trouble.

You’re undoubtedly good-natured! Most of the time, people are confident to approach you because they know you will consider them.

You’re independent! You’re also risky just like the bajaken who sail in the vast and dangerous ocean to look for treasures!



The first thing that popped into my mind after taking this quiz was, i am a hopeless romantic and a stubborn sweetheart. omigosshhh!! I am so dull when it comes to relationship stuffs. pffftt~

s.c

i am totally fucked up!!

fyi, this is continuation of my previous post : "a little bit of this and that of my year 2009".


not much to add up. it's just that, to recap everything (well, almost everything that i could write down) throughout my year makes me feels......numb. i'm like "Wow" or something like "WTF?!", more to like "Oukay, I am totally fucked up!".



i've been broken heart, i've done a lot of mess, i've got myself into lots of troubles and i put myself where my emotions is all over the place, crying every nights for a period of time, having all the guilt to live with, i'm the reason why my family is fighting and here i am trying to live a normal happy life and trying my best to put a smile on my face. what more could i ask for? a mask? ouhh-pleaaseee~that was so over!




i am totally fucked up.what a year.

s.c

a little bit of this and that of my year 2009

my, my~ 2009 almost come to an end and another year to come.

January : My result are disastrous. I repeat 2 subjects. Not a good start for a new year. I'm with someone. In love but at the same time getting insecure 'bout the relationship I'm having with him. We got ourselves into big fight and I got hurt by it. By the end of the day, we try to fixed things and things changed. But I'm still in love with him. Jenny move out from the house to live with her boyfriend.

February : Few days before Valentine's day, we ended our relationship. I got myself into another relationship with a boy. Practically, I'm not interested in him at all. He's more like a toy boy for me. At least when I'm with him, I can get my mind over someone. Pathetic and selfish I am.

March : Broke up with my toy boy and been single after wards. I'm still trying to get over him. Wearing another mask every single day to hide my feelings are so tiring.

April : I got on big fight with one of my girlfriend a.k.a housemate, Fareeza. I moved in to Trinora after couple of weeks. Didn't talked to her for weeks and by the time I found out that she will transferred to nursing college in Serian and quit TCS, I let my ego down and find a way to fix things up between us. Getting close with the Trinorian's. Ouhh yess, I got myself tongue piercing!

May : Things got better between me and Fareeza but not with Rudy. I met my other half, "kid". During my final examination, I wasn't so confident about it but I worked so hard and did my very best and I feel good enough. Go back to KK for short holidays. I'm getting good at hiding my feelings.

June : Got back to Kuching for a short course. Nothing much happened around this time. Study, online, extra consumption of coffee and cigarette. Life's too bored during this month.

July : Boring days turns into nightmares. I got into troubled and it's huge. I tried to hide it from anyone. Couple of weeks having that strong instinct but at the same time am still trying to deny it but things just happened, by God's will. I got help from my "kid". I wasn't emotionally stabilize up to few weeks.

August : The rest of the Trinorian's are back from their holidays to start our new semester. My result turns out good. More than I expected actually. Schedule getting hectic with 6 subjects to handle. With my "kid" by my side, I'm getting better each days. No more teary eyes every night. My gratitude to him. Finally talked to Rudy. Trying to break the awkwardness between us. This month I was tumbling ups and downs trying to balancing my whole life. My feelings and everything. I received an unexpected news which is too late for me to know. Things change. Everything is no longer the same. I've changed to be a better person. He's still on my mind somehow.

September : Due to Raya, I've decided to go back to my hometown. I need to be at home after all those I've been through. Taking long holidays just to easy my mind a bit.

October : Got back to Kuching and with my crazy+chaotic homies, I am nothing but happy. I could laugh my arse off the whole day. Well, at least I could laugh away my problems for a while. My birthday comes up and I can feel my guilt is killing me alive. I think I'm in love.

November : Life at Trinora is getting better. With 15 people under 1 roof, we are one big happy family. Not forget to mention all the dramas inside it. ILY?

December : Finally, Final Examination is here but everyone only have the thoughts of going back KK as soon as possible. That's including me. Before went back to KK, I had a long conversation with Rudy. During my stay at KK, something huge came up among my family and I took all the blame for all this shyt to happened. For the rest of this month, let's just wait and see how my fucked-up year end. I am in love.

I can't wait to see what 2010 will bring me to.

s.c

save me from myself.

im sorry.

s.c

it's a wrap!

wrapped up my 4th semester with a long conversation with him. idk why but i love having that kind of talk with him. especially at times like this. i rarely talk to him during my whole time here. it has always been that way. it's difficult for me to have random talk or jokes around with him. i have my own reason to hold back and im still learning to let go of that fear just to make things okay between me and him. to have that kind of conversation makes me feel good. after both being silence for few months and for just one night we let it all out, (well, at least almost everything lar) and things become quite clear.again? yeahh, we seems to have "unfinished business" this whole time kan? and that's how it goes all the time. :P


he gave me his reason(s) for making that decision. i have to accept it whether i like it or not. it's for his own good. and if that help him to have a better life then i have no reason to hold him back. but then, i still got this little hope that he will change his mind and stay with us till our journey here end. just like i said, this home is not complete even if 1 of us is not presence. i really mean it. :))

HAPPY HOLIDAY TRINORIAN'S!! SEE YOU GUYS NEXT SEMESTER!!

p/s :: you are my friend though we rarely talk. just to see your presence around the house is more that enough for me. :))

s.c

time ticks too fast.

in a blink of an eye, im done with my 4th semester here at Kuching.without noticing it, 2 years has gone.a lot of things change. including me. i've changed. well, at least that's what he said. im still a bitch to few people but now i can proudly say i am so comfortable with being who i really am now. no mask on my face. no more lies. except white lies though. :P

i'll be leaving to kk tomorrow night and the waiting drives me crazy.geezz.i hate waiting. this time the feeling of wanting to go home is totally different. i mean i really do want to go home. i really do. exams is driving me nuts. got stressed up and urgh! all i can say is, i hope i won't repeat any subject(s). i had enough of it. sigh.

and as i was writing this, few of my homies are goin back. and by tomorrow, it will be more quieter as most of us are leaving, which left Acho and his gf only staying till 18th. gosh. gonna miss you guys and this home lerr! hopefully i could spend some times with them during my holidays. :))

and you, my dear friend, you made up your mind. but i still want you to stay. i will do anything to make you change your mind. anything! by that, i mean it. please. stay.
im taking all the blame which i can't handle it anymore. there's too much guilt inside of me and knowing the fact that you're leaving us really tears me up. i wish i could talk to you but all i can do is keep on wishing. i dont have the guts to do so. im afraid if the words that came out from my mouth will hurt you more. i've ruined your happy life. i've changed you from the person i used to know to "this". what if the words that i'll say will open up your old wound that i caused you before? what if?



sigh.

s.c

11th

5 months has gone.
im still not over it.

the guilts are eating me alive.


i guess this is what they called as karma.

s.c